Is it Lying or Loving?

At our workshop this week, the women in the group all agreed that they grew up with the expectation that they would be "nice" and make everyone in the family feel good. They were not taught to speak their truth but rather hide what they were thinking in order to keep the peace.
Most people believe they are being loving when they withhold perceived unpleasant information from their partner, spouse or friends.
So the questions is--do you tell that other person how you feel in all situations? If you don't, is that being loving or is that lying to the other person?
Bell Hooks, in her book "All About Love," would say that it's lying. She says, "Lying has become so much the accepted norm that people lie even when it would be simpler to tell the truth." She goes on to say that "In today's world we are taught to fear the truth, to believe it always hurts."
We have found that when you tell the truth, it may hurt. But when you are completely open and honest, it is ultimately freeing for both people, giving you the opportunity to deepen your connection.
Some of you may question this--but we feel that if you are in a spiritual partnership with the intention of growing together, there simply is no other way. Bell Hooks says that "it is impossible to nurture one's own or another's spiritual growth when the core of one's being and identity is shrouded in secrecy and lies."
The lies don't even have to be that big to drive a wedge in a relationship. Just not being forthcoming with your feelings is living with a lie and will ultimately create a separation.
In last week's newsletter we quoted David Viscott-- "If we were to live honestly, our lives would heal themselves." Hard as this seems, we believe it's the only way to live. We've done it the other way and now we're trying to do it differently. Our experience tells us that when you communicate constantly openly and honesty, that's what builds safety and trust. That's what creates the real juice in any great relationship!

Build Trust in Your Relationship

"One Way To Honor and Build Trust in Your Relationship and Each Other"


There are things in every relationship that are sacred. One of these things that we think is most sacred is the trust that can bedeveloped if both people in the relationship honor that thoughts and feelings, whether they are of a positive nature or negative, will be shared first with each other. Here's an example from our own lives to show you what we mean...Both of us, in our previous relationships, felt the need to talk to friends and not always our spouses about what was really on ourminds. We often chose to tell our inner most secrets and frustrations to our friends and omit this information when we talked with our spouses.Although this wasn't the primary reason both of these relationships ended in divorce, we think that it was one way that trust was eroded and not built in those relationships.When we got together in our relationship, we figured out that if we hoped to have a relationship built on trust and deep connection that this type of intimate sharing with others was a pattern of behavior that had to stop.If there was conflict, disagreement or challenges that came up, weagreed that we would talk to each other instead of venting our frustrations with a friend or co-worker. This was our sacred agreement with each other.We just love Bruce Springsteen's song, "If I should fall behind"because it says exactly how we have chosen to be in a relationship with each other. In the song he says, "Let's make our steps clear so the other can see."To us, this means telling the other person what we are thinking assoon as we have sorted it out ourselves. We don't feel like we have to hide or sugar-coat our truth about a situation or unload on a friend how we are truly feeling without first telling each other.This doesn't mean we never talk to friends and other family members about our thoughts or what's happening in our lives. Quite thecontrary.What we are saying is that we have agreed to tell each other first, things that are personal and feelings that come up about the otherperson. If you find that you have been complaining to other people about your partner or someone close to you and you are not telling your partner how you are feeling, stop. By talking to others first about your issues instead of the personinvolved, you will continue to erode the safety and trust in your relationship. By talking to others about your issues instead of the person your conflict is with, you could be playing the role of the victim or martyr.Believe it or not, you may actually be enjoying the sympathy and attention from other people that you are getting from complainingabout the situation with your partner. If you want to build trust and create a close, connectedrelationship, we've found that this kind of behavior has to stop. Choosing to let your partner know where you stand and what is going on inside you is not only a way to build trust but also a way to deepen your connection as well..