Being "Real" in your Relationships

This week we joined the 20-something masses and attended a Dave Mathews Band concert. They played a song called, "Ants Marching" and we felt like the lyrics really told the story of a lot of relationships and lives.
In his song, Dave depicts the average life and the average relationship. "He wakes up in the morning, Does his teeth, Bite to eat and he's rolling. Never changes a thing. The week ends, the week begins. She thinks, we look at each other Wondering what the other is thinking But we never say a thing And these crimes between us grow deeper. Take these chances. Place them in a box until a quieter time. Lights down, you up and die."
What Dave's really saying in his blunt way is that most of us in our relationships aren't willing to speak our truth about our thoughts and we end up taking these thoughts, unspoken, to our graves.
The great motivational speaker Zig Ziglar talks about the tragedy of people going to their graves with their music still in them--not living their lives to the fullest.
If you want your relationships to be "real," alive and powerful, we suggest the concept of spiritual partnership. A spiritual partnership is not about religion--it's about two people coming together, using their relationship as a venue to heal, learn and grow.
How is a spiritual partnership different from other types of relationships?
In a spiritual partnership, (this can be any relationship) each partner is committed to telling the truth, and not holding back, however painful it might be. The relationship is alive, growing, and filled with passion because of constant communication and being willing to tackle issues as they arrive. Each partner can be himself or herself--with no hiding.
This concept was introduced to the masses by Gary Zukav's book "Seat of the Soul." We were dramatically impacted by this concept and it has changed our lives forever.
So how often are you not living your truth in relationships? What is the underlying fear that comes up for you when you think about telling your truth? We all have relationships where we don't feel safe enough to be open and honest. Those relationships are dead and aren't going anywhere.
We've found that Steven Covey's phrase, "Old resentments never die--they just get buried alive and come up later in uglier ways," is so true. Haven't you had that happen in your life? If you just bury a hurt feeling or misunderstanding, it just comes up later in another situation or with another person as misplaced anger.
So we have found that the only way to create outstanding relationships of all kinds is to have open, honest communication at all times and by doing it in such a way that the other person can hear your truth.
This is tough. But what is tougher is having a relationship that is mired in unspoken issues. Do what Susan Jeffers suggests, "Feel the fear and do it anyway." When you do, your relationships will be more real and honest.
So we challenge you this week to choose a relationship or situation that needs to be healed and tackle just one small issue that stands in the way of a more harmonious relationship.
If you do, you'll be one step closer to forming a great spiritual partnership with that other person.

Secrets to Healing after Leaving a Painful Relationship By Mr Friends

It very easy to get into a relationship. But, it's usually very difficult to get out of one that no longer serves you and begin the healing process.
It seems that everywhere you look, many long-standing relationships and /or marriages are dissolving. In this week's article we thought we'd give some suggestions to help those of you who are still going through the healing process.
My suggestions are :
1) To never look at a relationship (or anything else) that didn't work out as a failure. Robert Schuller, the famous TV evangelist and founder of the world famous Crystal Cathedral said in his book "Success is never ending Failure is never final" --"Failure doesn't mean you're finished, it does mean you have a chance." He also said, "Failure doesn't mean God has abandoned you...it does mean God has a better idea." Often it's the seed of a current or past "failure" that fuels you to the very success that you've always dreamed of.
2) Turn from the past and look toward the future...YOUR future. As Tony Robbins says "Your past does not equal your future. Sometimes after a separation, we find ourselves dwelling in the past, our thoughts consumed with that other person. You will begin to heal when you start thinking and writing about what you want for your life.
3) Know and understand that there are no "accidents" and that everything happens in divine order. Every thought, every moment, every action, every relationship and every event that happens in your life, happens to propel you toward your next phase of learning and personal growth.
4) Acknowledge, without blame, your part in the breakup of the relationship. When it doesn't work out, then two people have to share equally in the responsibility of the breakup. No matter who appears to be at fault.
5) Learn from the patterns of the past. Stay conscious in all your relationships so that you won't repeat the same mistakes.
6) Give thanks for the lessons that you learned in that relationship. Honor that person as a teacher, here to help you on your journey.

Is it Lying or Loving?

At our workshop this week, the women in the group all agreed that they grew up with the expectation that they would be "nice" and make everyone in the family feel good. They were not taught to speak their truth but rather hide what they were thinking in order to keep the peace.
Most people believe they are being loving when they withhold perceived unpleasant information from their partner, spouse or friends.
So the questions is--do you tell that other person how you feel in all situations? If you don't, is that being loving or is that lying to the other person?
Bell Hooks, in her book "All About Love," would say that it's lying. She says, "Lying has become so much the accepted norm that people lie even when it would be simpler to tell the truth." She goes on to say that "In today's world we are taught to fear the truth, to believe it always hurts."
We have found that when you tell the truth, it may hurt. But when you are completely open and honest, it is ultimately freeing for both people, giving you the opportunity to deepen your connection.
Some of you may question this--but we feel that if you are in a spiritual partnership with the intention of growing together, there simply is no other way. Bell Hooks says that "it is impossible to nurture one's own or another's spiritual growth when the core of one's being and identity is shrouded in secrecy and lies."
The lies don't even have to be that big to drive a wedge in a relationship. Just not being forthcoming with your feelings is living with a lie and will ultimately create a separation.
In last week's newsletter we quoted David Viscott-- "If we were to live honestly, our lives would heal themselves." Hard as this seems, we believe it's the only way to live. We've done it the other way and now we're trying to do it differently. Our experience tells us that when you communicate constantly openly and honesty, that's what builds safety and trust. That's what creates the real juice in any great relationship!

Healing the Past. . .In the Present

Has this ever happened to you? Somebody says something to you that immediately triggers negativity within you. You don't have a clue why you are so upset and you wonder just where that feeling came from.
Tony Robbins would call this a "negative anchor"-- something that is said or something that is experienced that you associate with a previous negative event. Peter Levine refers to this as trauma being held in the body. Whatever you want to call it, the event and feelings surrounding the event, rear their ugly heads again and again until you are able to heal the original situation.
This weekend, we were with Susie's extended family of 14 people, ages 1 year to 79 years. The living room was crowded as we watched the NCAA basketball game. There wasn't a chair for Otto as he stood in the doorway watching the game. Several family members offered to make room for him but he declined. As they continued to insist that he sit down, he became agitated.
It took him a few hours but he realized that his agitation came from previous situations with his ex-wife when she would say to him, "Please sit down! You're driving me crazy!" His agitation was from the trauma of the past.
The agitation from the present situation fired off a negative anchor within him that instantly took him back to a time in a previous relationship that needed to be healed. At that moment he pulled out the baggage from his previous unhealed relationship but had the awareness to realize that his present negativity had nothing to do with the people in the room and the present moment. He was able to let those old feelings go and live in the present moment, enjoying the game and the people in the room.
This situation is what Stephen Covey talks about when he says, "Old resentments never die. They just get buried alive and come up later in uglier ways." The resentments we hold which are not resolved usually manifest themselves again in other relationships which have nothing to do with the original trauma.
We suggest that the first step in healing these past resentments is to stop yourself when you first feel it and examine where the negativity is coming from. The first step to creating any change is awareness. Go back in your mind to your previous relationships--where did this feeling come from, who was there and what was the situation? It's very important to differentiate what happened in the past from what's happening now.
Ultimately, you will want to work on forgiving that person and honoring how that experience created who you are today. Only after you are able to release the past, can you experience the emotional freedom that we all desire.

What's Most Important to You?

One of the biggest issues that people ask us about and we experience ourselves is how to find the time for our families, our jobs, our community and our partner. How can we do it all? We are pulled in so many different directions!
The short answer is to determine what the "First things" are in your life and live your life according to what you have predetermined as the most important things in your life. In Stephen Covey's book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People," Habit 3 is "Put First Things First" and we have found that this is key to living our lives the way we want.
The first step to living our lives the way we want them is to consciously determine what is most important in all areas of your life. After determining what you value most, compare these values with how you actually spend your time.
Brian Tracy says, "It's not what you say or what you intend to do but what you actually do reveals what's most important to you."
We fill our lives with so many activities and often place our priorities in alignment with what's not very important to us. As Mona Lisa Schulz says in her book, "Awakening Intuition," "You can't have it all. You have to choose."
We think this can be a glorious, freeing experience but can also be a scary, unfamiliar place to venture. The challenge is to choose what you do and how you live-- consciously.
We've found that your values can change and that's why constant communication is so important. Earlier in Susie's life, she placed a higher value on her job and community activities than she does now. She spent more time on those activities away from home and invested more energy in cultivating relationships with many different people. Now, she is spending more time with family and her partner Otto.
Before we got together, we consciously determined what we wanted from our relationship--what we valued. Our values have been clear and we have tried to live and spend our time according to them.
We're not saying that everyone should adopt our values but we are saying that it is important for you to determine what your values are and to understand the most important things in your partner's life from his/her frame of reference.
We suggest that you have a family discussion about what each person values. You'll find that understanding will be fostered and resolving conflicts will be easier in the future.
A great way to determine what's most important to you in your life is to make a list from the answers to the following questions--(we're sure you can make up more)
"What's most important to me in my relationship with my partner/spouse"?
"What's most important to me in my career"?
"What's most important to me in my relationship with my kids"?
"What's most important to me in my spiritual practice"?
You get the idea--Take a few minutes this week and consciously decide what's most important in your life and your relationships. Set a family meeting and ask your family members to do the same.
As Stephen Covey says, "Things which matter most should never be at the mercy of things which matter least." Make sure you know what things matter most to you.

"Plugging Up The Holes in Your Relationships..."

Are there any "holes" in your relationship? If you're like us--the answer is yes. In fact, in many relationships there are usually quite a few "holes." "Holes" are those things in your relationships and life thatyou may know are there but it's always a surprise when you fall into one. Things can be going along just fine and before you know it, you've fallen into one of those darn holes again. The house we live in is over 130 years old and just like a lot of relationships, there are many "holes" in the nooks and crannies in the exterior of the house.At its core, we have a great home in a beautiful setting.But the fact is that we really haven't paid a lot of attentionto maintaining the house in the last several years and now theneglect is beginning to show. The home that was once beautiful is now in need of major repair. Is this how your relationship is? We hope not. The truth is that whether you're talking about a house or a relationship, if there are any "holes" in them, they didn'tjust show up overnight. They are there because you didn't notice them and then fix them right away before they grew bigger.Now, we could move to another house but it wouldn't be long before problems would start showing up in our new house if we didn't do a better job of maintaining it. Same way withyour relationships.What does it mean to plug up the "holes" in a relationship?It means doing the things every day and even moment-to-moment that lead to a great relationship. One of those things is giving the relationship yourattention. Many people get into a relationship and then put it on auto-pilot. Then months or years later, they wonder what happened.If you haven't planned a date together in a while, take sometime right now and plan some type of get-away even if it'sjust or an hour at your favorite restaurant or a walk in a parkalone together. Make some time for the two of you to be together and to enjoy each other. Make a plan to talk every day about what really matters tothe two of you. This can simply mean telling each other what you appreciate about the other person.Another thing that we find helpful is what we call "killing the monsters in our relationships while they're little." This means whenever something comes up between you and your partner, don't let it linger and become an evenbigger issue. In other words, tackle the monsters in therelationship when they're small and they won't grow up to be large enough to eat the city (or destroy your relationship.) Fixing a relationship with holes may not be an overnight process but it can be done if both partners in therelationship are committed to making the relationship better and stronger.Start plugging those holes today and you'll see howyour relationships will begin to change and grow.

"How Differences Can Help Your Relationship"

Have you ever wondered why you are in a relationship with someone whois so different from you?Most people when they get into relationships have an unspoken andeven unconscious agenda that they want to make the other person justlike them. The thought is--"Everything would be okay if you're justlike me, if you like what I like and if you do things the way I likethem to be done."It may seem obvious--but we have to say it anyway--no two peoplealike. No matter how similar you think you are when you get into arelationship and how well matched, you are two radically different people.What we have seen over and over--and we're sure you have too--opposites do attract.Many people come into relationship with someone who may appear to bethe same but sooner or later they discover just how different theyare and they end up being irritated about it.The truth is that we all come into relationships to grow and if weare with someone who is very different from us, we have the choice asto how we react to those differences. We can either come from aplace of fear, righteousness and judgment or from a place of love andgrowth.What we have discovered is when differences come up, instead ofmaking that person wrong, you have to embrace the differences betweenthe two of you and use them to create a better relationship.Sound impossible? It isn't and here's why.The two of us have very similar interests and values when it comes tolearning about love, relationships and spirituality. At the verycore of us, there is a strong "glue" that holds us together. We arealso very different people with very different ways of looking atlife. This fact often makes being married business partners achallenge!Through the years, we have learned and are still learning how to usethese differences as growth opportunities.Here are some tips that we've discovered as we've worked with thesedifferences daily to create powerfully together instead of being atodds and critical of one another:1. Open to possibilitiesWhen you are closed to the ways of other people and only focus on howyou've always done things, there's no growth. Begin by opening tohearing that someone else may have a different way of doing somethingand a different opinion. Being open means breathing, sitting, facingone another in an open way and making eye contact. Be open tochanging a viewpoint, a way of doing something or even a value if it no longer serves you. It doesn't mean giving up being who you are but it means expanding who you are. Shift into an attitude of wonder.2. Let go of needing to be rightAll of us like to be right but when there are differences, we suggestyou put that "rightness" aside. When we have hung onto being right, it's been helpful for us to go back to the thought--"Will this attitude move me closer to what I want or further away." Since what we want is a closer connection, we usually can let go of being right pretty quickly.3. Listen without judgingThis is a hard one but really necessary. Take turns talking anddon't interrupt each other. Listen to each other and make an attemptto use "yes and" instead of "but" whenever possible. When you bothfeel heard, you will come up with a better solution to yourdifferences than you could have if you had stayed in your "rightness."4. Ask "What Can I learn from you?"This is truly the secret that we've found to dealing with ourdifferences. Ask yourself "What can I learn from you that will helpme to grow?" and then listen to what comes up inside you.Shifting your attitude from blame to an openness to learning hastransformed our relationship and we know it can your's too.This week, whenever you are "hit" with someone's differences, changethe way you normally look at those situations. Shift from annoyance,anger or judgment to openness, wonder and love. We think you'll seea positive change in your relationships and life.

"Your Perfect Partner" by Mr Friends

A woman we'll call "Jane" thought she was a great "catch" and a "perfect partner" but she wondered why her relationships always seemed to fail.

Here's what she wrote to us--
"I dated men of various ages and cultures but all my relationships ended up in disaster. I constantly searched, hoping for love to come my way. Then I started reading your newsletters. I carried a lot of personal baggage from my past and set unrealistic standards and expectations for my lovers hoping they would fail because I was afraid to fail. I was afraid they would hurt me and disappoint me, so I made sure I would be in control when they did."

In this situation, Jane has an incredible opportunity in front of her. She can continue as she has been, being fearful and attracting people who will disappoint her or she can learn from what she has discovered about her patterns from the past.

It's been our experience that we attract the people into our lives who show us what we need to heal within ourselves, new possibilities for the future, and the contrast of what we want and don't want in our lives.

We take the rather contrarian view that there are no relationship mistakes or failures and only opportunities to heal, learn, grow and experience joy.

Even though "Jane" thought her relationships were failures, each one was actually another chance to become more emotionally aware of what was going on inside her, what she wanted for her life and to give her an opportunity to heal and create new ways to do it differently.

What we have found is that we keep attracting the same type of person, not just intimate partners, and experiences into our lives until we heal the past and "do it
differently."

Otto's car is a black Buick Century with leather seats. He's very hot natured and since we live in Ohio where the summers are very hot and humid, he suffers in his "hot" car. He loved the way the car looked on the showroom floor, but his day-to-day experience has given him a powerful lesson of what he doesn't want in a car. As you can imagine, he's made a clear intention through the power of contrast that his next car will not be black or have leather seats.

He had an opportunity to learn this lesson when he was 18 years old and drove a black Ford Pinto station wagon with no air-conditioning to Tampa, Florida at the beginning of August. He swore then as he sat in traffic with sweat dripping onto the steering wheel that he'd never have another black car.

Obviously, he hadn't learned this lesson so he needed to bring another black car into his experience.

The point is that Otto has finally learned from this valuable experience and will do it differently the next time, although he really likes a lot about his current car.

This story is an example of coming to an awareness of what you want and what you don't want and of learning from past experiences that are not "failures" but are opportunities for expansion and growth.

Please don't misunderstand us and think that we are recommending that because you don't like something about your current partner or job that you "throw them away" and get another "model."

What we are recommending is that you take the opportunity to become emotionally aware, like "Jane" did, as much of the time as possible. Decide that you deserve to have a great relationship and a great life, whatever that means to you.

We are inviting you to learn from the past and the power of contrast so that you can begin creating the life you want.

Here are some ideas to help you...

1. Whenever something is important to you, don't stuff it down and pretend it doesn't matter. Have the courage to share it with your partner.

2. Accept responsibility for your part in past relationships that haven't worked out the way you wanted them to work out. Look for reoccurring patterns that will show
you where you need to heal.

3. Know that there's no such thing as failure in relationships, only experiences that you may not have enjoyed.

4. Embrace the idea that no matter what has happened in your relationships up until now, the future can be different.

So in a sense, each person who comes into our lives is "the perfect partner" for us if we use these experiences that we have with them to heal, learn and grow.

Relationship Advice, Love Guide - Just Ask Mr Friends!

Mr Friends - Expertise in Romantic Relationships, as well as Dating, Sexuality and Self-Esteem Issues.
Mr Friends can be found all over the web for her insightful articles. He also offers helpful advice on cheating spouses and affairs.Relationship Advice, Love Advice - Just Ask Mr Friends!
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