Being "Real" in your Relationships

This week we joined the 20-something masses and attended a Dave Mathews Band concert. They played a song called, "Ants Marching" and we felt like the lyrics really told the story of a lot of relationships and lives.
In his song, Dave depicts the average life and the average relationship. "He wakes up in the morning, Does his teeth, Bite to eat and he's rolling. Never changes a thing. The week ends, the week begins. She thinks, we look at each other Wondering what the other is thinking But we never say a thing And these crimes between us grow deeper. Take these chances. Place them in a box until a quieter time. Lights down, you up and die."
What Dave's really saying in his blunt way is that most of us in our relationships aren't willing to speak our truth about our thoughts and we end up taking these thoughts, unspoken, to our graves.
The great motivational speaker Zig Ziglar talks about the tragedy of people going to their graves with their music still in them--not living their lives to the fullest.
If you want your relationships to be "real," alive and powerful, we suggest the concept of spiritual partnership. A spiritual partnership is not about religion--it's about two people coming together, using their relationship as a venue to heal, learn and grow.
How is a spiritual partnership different from other types of relationships?
In a spiritual partnership, (this can be any relationship) each partner is committed to telling the truth, and not holding back, however painful it might be. The relationship is alive, growing, and filled with passion because of constant communication and being willing to tackle issues as they arrive. Each partner can be himself or herself--with no hiding.
This concept was introduced to the masses by Gary Zukav's book "Seat of the Soul." We were dramatically impacted by this concept and it has changed our lives forever.
So how often are you not living your truth in relationships? What is the underlying fear that comes up for you when you think about telling your truth? We all have relationships where we don't feel safe enough to be open and honest. Those relationships are dead and aren't going anywhere.
We've found that Steven Covey's phrase, "Old resentments never die--they just get buried alive and come up later in uglier ways," is so true. Haven't you had that happen in your life? If you just bury a hurt feeling or misunderstanding, it just comes up later in another situation or with another person as misplaced anger.
So we have found that the only way to create outstanding relationships of all kinds is to have open, honest communication at all times and by doing it in such a way that the other person can hear your truth.
This is tough. But what is tougher is having a relationship that is mired in unspoken issues. Do what Susan Jeffers suggests, "Feel the fear and do it anyway." When you do, your relationships will be more real and honest.
So we challenge you this week to choose a relationship or situation that needs to be healed and tackle just one small issue that stands in the way of a more harmonious relationship.
If you do, you'll be one step closer to forming a great spiritual partnership with that other person.

Secrets to Healing after Leaving a Painful Relationship By Mr Friends

It very easy to get into a relationship. But, it's usually very difficult to get out of one that no longer serves you and begin the healing process.
It seems that everywhere you look, many long-standing relationships and /or marriages are dissolving. In this week's article we thought we'd give some suggestions to help those of you who are still going through the healing process.
My suggestions are :
1) To never look at a relationship (or anything else) that didn't work out as a failure. Robert Schuller, the famous TV evangelist and founder of the world famous Crystal Cathedral said in his book "Success is never ending Failure is never final" --"Failure doesn't mean you're finished, it does mean you have a chance." He also said, "Failure doesn't mean God has abandoned you...it does mean God has a better idea." Often it's the seed of a current or past "failure" that fuels you to the very success that you've always dreamed of.
2) Turn from the past and look toward the future...YOUR future. As Tony Robbins says "Your past does not equal your future. Sometimes after a separation, we find ourselves dwelling in the past, our thoughts consumed with that other person. You will begin to heal when you start thinking and writing about what you want for your life.
3) Know and understand that there are no "accidents" and that everything happens in divine order. Every thought, every moment, every action, every relationship and every event that happens in your life, happens to propel you toward your next phase of learning and personal growth.
4) Acknowledge, without blame, your part in the breakup of the relationship. When it doesn't work out, then two people have to share equally in the responsibility of the breakup. No matter who appears to be at fault.
5) Learn from the patterns of the past. Stay conscious in all your relationships so that you won't repeat the same mistakes.
6) Give thanks for the lessons that you learned in that relationship. Honor that person as a teacher, here to help you on your journey.

Is it Lying or Loving?

At our workshop this week, the women in the group all agreed that they grew up with the expectation that they would be "nice" and make everyone in the family feel good. They were not taught to speak their truth but rather hide what they were thinking in order to keep the peace.
Most people believe they are being loving when they withhold perceived unpleasant information from their partner, spouse or friends.
So the questions is--do you tell that other person how you feel in all situations? If you don't, is that being loving or is that lying to the other person?
Bell Hooks, in her book "All About Love," would say that it's lying. She says, "Lying has become so much the accepted norm that people lie even when it would be simpler to tell the truth." She goes on to say that "In today's world we are taught to fear the truth, to believe it always hurts."
We have found that when you tell the truth, it may hurt. But when you are completely open and honest, it is ultimately freeing for both people, giving you the opportunity to deepen your connection.
Some of you may question this--but we feel that if you are in a spiritual partnership with the intention of growing together, there simply is no other way. Bell Hooks says that "it is impossible to nurture one's own or another's spiritual growth when the core of one's being and identity is shrouded in secrecy and lies."
The lies don't even have to be that big to drive a wedge in a relationship. Just not being forthcoming with your feelings is living with a lie and will ultimately create a separation.
In last week's newsletter we quoted David Viscott-- "If we were to live honestly, our lives would heal themselves." Hard as this seems, we believe it's the only way to live. We've done it the other way and now we're trying to do it differently. Our experience tells us that when you communicate constantly openly and honesty, that's what builds safety and trust. That's what creates the real juice in any great relationship!

How to Re-Claim Passion in Your Life!

If you want to create more passion in your life or reclaim passion that is currently not there in your life, this article will give you some ideas.At some point in our lives we've all experienced total passion for life and living. We've all been involved in something that really got us excited and we couldn't wait to have a similar experience all over again soon.The best physical example we could give you of passion in action is to have you think of any child that you know. Chances are better than excellent that the child that you thought of is full of energy about something that they are passionate about. Our son loves Poke'mon and playing his Playstation. He enthusiastically gets up at 6:30 AM on the weekends to play a playstation game, but during the week he has to drag himself out of bed to go to school.We are no different from our son or the child that you may have thought of.Ask yourself, do you have more energy when you get up at 6AM to go to work on Monday morning or when you get up early to leave on a vacation?We've heard football announcers and commentators on TV talk about how certain players can really "get up for the big game." What they're talking about is that player rejuvenating his fire or passion for the sport he loves by "getting up" for the big game against their arch rival.There is an ease and a flow in your life when you do things that you love and when you are with people who you are passionate about.We have found the secret to increasing passion in our lives is to follow these very simple ideas.1) Find something that you can really get excited about.This can be something from your past, something you do now that you want to do more of or it can be something you've been thinking about doing.We were at a gathering yesterday and saw what it was like when someone who was deeply depressed remembered an activity that she had been passionate about in years past. She left the gathering with a renewed passion for that activity and for life, resolving to spend some time each week doing what she loved.2) Eliminate the things in your life that you aren't passionate about.We're not saying that you have to quit your job or leave a partner when the passion has left. But, it is important to eliminate as many things as possible in your life that don't bring you passion and joy.In Susie's current job she used to find herself traveling all over the country, attending meetings and getting involved in association activities and events. When it ceased to be a passion for her, she decided to start eliminating those things that she no longer wanted to do.Now we know that it's not always possible to eliminate all the unpleasant things you have to do. But, it's usually possible to think of new ways of doing those things which may bring some passion back to your work experience. The same thing could work in your personal life and relationships. If you're not excited about your life, find something to get excited about. If you're not excited about your relationships, find something about your relationships to get excited about.3) Focus on the good and the positive aspects of your mate, your job and your life instead of focusing on the negative qualities.What we do is focus on the good qualities about each other instead of spending a time dwelling on the negative. After we resolve conflicts with each other, we do not rehash them with friends. In our minds, we go back to the qualities we love about the other. This way we are more likely to attract more of what we want into our lives instead of what we don't want.Susie was able to rekindle the passion for her work and work environment by focusing her thoughts each morning during her hourlong commute. She imagined the things she appreciated about each of her co-workers and focused on the activities that brought her joy during the day. This changed the atmosphere of her work environment and this positive attitude has even spread to the other employees.So if passion is missing in your life try at least one of our suggestions and we think you'll see a difference.

Listening from your heart...

One of the most difficult things to do in relationship is to listen--truly listen from your heart without blame, judgement or "you ought toos and you shoulds." It's also difficult to take the time to listen without allowing distractions to pull you away from what the other person is saying. It doesn't even matter if the person you are listening to is baring their soul or not, It's incredibly important to stay present, interested and focused on that person.How many times have you been talking to someone and they reach around to tuck in a loose tag that's hanging off your shirt or pick a loose thread off your sweater right in the middle of your conversation?This might seem like a trivial thing but what it really says is that in that moment they weren't listening to what you were saying. They were thinking about that loose tag or thread and how they could fix it.All of us want to feel loved, respected and honored. And one way we have found to have this is to love, respect and honor someone else. We found that listening without interrupting the other shows respect and also builds trust. What a simple concept, but how hard it is to do.Something that is even more difficult to do is to listen to someone when It's uncomfortable to do so. When there are conflicts or resentments in a relationship that haven't been dealt with yet, there is an emotional charge that is present and that makes it difficult to stay focused on the present moment.In that time you're not really focused on the other person andwhat he or she is saying. You are focused on your emotions or your attempts to avoid pain.Another difficult situation is when you have preconceived prejudices and judgements of the person. Our judgements build walls even in the healthiest of relationships. When you are trying to listen to someone with whom there have been challenges, it requires you to listen with unconditional love in that moment. That doesn't mean you have to agree with everything they say. But, it does mean forgetting yourself andyour issues while they are talking. We are so quick to rush in and prove we are right, that all we do is create more distance.So, how do you really listen--without judgement or coming from your own agenda?It's like the symphony director said when he was asked, "how do you get to Carnegie Hall?" He said, "practice."Start with focusing your attention on the check-out person at the grocery store or the waiter or waitress at your favorite restaurant. Engage them in a short conversation and REALLY listen to what they have to say. When you get brave you can try a family member with whom you have some unhealed issues.Practice by listening without needing to respond from your frame of reference. Hear what they have to say from their point of view. It's amazing what can be healed when you do this. As Stephen Covey points out in his book, The seven habits of Highly effective people, it's important to seek first to understand, then be understood. When you do this the walls and defenses crumble and healing can take place.Sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone is to just listen with your heart. So this week practice listening and coming from love in your relationships. When you do, we know you'll see a difference.

"Plugging Up The Holes in Your Relationships..."

Are there any "holes" in your relationship? If you're like us--the answer is yes. In fact, in many relationships there are usually quite a few "holes." "Holes" are those things in your relationships and life thatyou may know are there but it's always a surprise when you fall into one. Things can be going along just fine and before you know it, you've fallen into one of those darn holes again. The house we live in is over 130 years old and just like a lot of relationships, there are many "holes" in the nooks and crannies in the exterior of the house.At its core, we have a great home in a beautiful setting.But the fact is that we really haven't paid a lot of attentionto maintaining the house in the last several years and now theneglect is beginning to show. The home that was once beautiful is now in need of major repair. Is this how your relationship is? We hope not. The truth is that whether you're talking about a house or a relationship, if there are any "holes" in them, they didn'tjust show up overnight. They are there because you didn't notice them and then fix them right away before they grew bigger.Now, we could move to another house but it wouldn't be long before problems would start showing up in our new house if we didn't do a better job of maintaining it. Same way withyour relationships.What does it mean to plug up the "holes" in a relationship?It means doing the things every day and even moment-to-moment that lead to a great relationship. One of those things is giving the relationship yourattention. Many people get into a relationship and then put it on auto-pilot. Then months or years later, they wonder what happened.If you haven't planned a date together in a while, take sometime right now and plan some type of get-away even if it'sjust or an hour at your favorite restaurant or a walk in a parkalone together. Make some time for the two of you to be together and to enjoy each other. Make a plan to talk every day about what really matters tothe two of you. This can simply mean telling each other what you appreciate about the other person.Another thing that we find helpful is what we call "killing the monsters in our relationships while they're little." This means whenever something comes up between you and your partner, don't let it linger and become an evenbigger issue. In other words, tackle the monsters in therelationship when they're small and they won't grow up to be large enough to eat the city (or destroy your relationship.) Fixing a relationship with holes may not be an overnight process but it can be done if both partners in therelationship are committed to making the relationship better and stronger.Start plugging those holes today and you'll see howyour relationships will begin to change and grow.

"How Differences Can Help Your Relationship"

Have you ever wondered why you are in a relationship with someone whois so different from you?Most people when they get into relationships have an unspoken andeven unconscious agenda that they want to make the other person justlike them. The thought is--"Everything would be okay if you're justlike me, if you like what I like and if you do things the way I likethem to be done."It may seem obvious--but we have to say it anyway--no two peoplealike. No matter how similar you think you are when you get into arelationship and how well matched, you are two radically different people.What we have seen over and over--and we're sure you have too--opposites do attract.Many people come into relationship with someone who may appear to bethe same but sooner or later they discover just how different theyare and they end up being irritated about it.The truth is that we all come into relationships to grow and if weare with someone who is very different from us, we have the choice asto how we react to those differences. We can either come from aplace of fear, righteousness and judgment or from a place of love andgrowth.What we have discovered is when differences come up, instead ofmaking that person wrong, you have to embrace the differences betweenthe two of you and use them to create a better relationship.Sound impossible? It isn't and here's why.The two of us have very similar interests and values when it comes tolearning about love, relationships and spirituality. At the verycore of us, there is a strong "glue" that holds us together. We arealso very different people with very different ways of looking atlife. This fact often makes being married business partners achallenge!Through the years, we have learned and are still learning how to usethese differences as growth opportunities.Here are some tips that we've discovered as we've worked with thesedifferences daily to create powerfully together instead of being atodds and critical of one another:1. Open to possibilitiesWhen you are closed to the ways of other people and only focus on howyou've always done things, there's no growth. Begin by opening tohearing that someone else may have a different way of doing somethingand a different opinion. Being open means breathing, sitting, facingone another in an open way and making eye contact. Be open tochanging a viewpoint, a way of doing something or even a value if it no longer serves you. It doesn't mean giving up being who you are but it means expanding who you are. Shift into an attitude of wonder.2. Let go of needing to be rightAll of us like to be right but when there are differences, we suggestyou put that "rightness" aside. When we have hung onto being right, it's been helpful for us to go back to the thought--"Will this attitude move me closer to what I want or further away." Since what we want is a closer connection, we usually can let go of being right pretty quickly.3. Listen without judgingThis is a hard one but really necessary. Take turns talking anddon't interrupt each other. Listen to each other and make an attemptto use "yes and" instead of "but" whenever possible. When you bothfeel heard, you will come up with a better solution to yourdifferences than you could have if you had stayed in your "rightness."4. Ask "What Can I learn from you?"This is truly the secret that we've found to dealing with ourdifferences. Ask yourself "What can I learn from you that will helpme to grow?" and then listen to what comes up inside you.Shifting your attitude from blame to an openness to learning hastransformed our relationship and we know it can your's too.This week, whenever you are "hit" with someone's differences, changethe way you normally look at those situations. Shift from annoyance,anger or judgment to openness, wonder and love. We think you'll seea positive change in your relationships and life.

Build Trust in Your Relationship

"One Way To Honor and Build Trust in Your Relationship and Each Other"


There are things in every relationship that are sacred. One of these things that we think is most sacred is the trust that can bedeveloped if both people in the relationship honor that thoughts and feelings, whether they are of a positive nature or negative, will be shared first with each other. Here's an example from our own lives to show you what we mean...Both of us, in our previous relationships, felt the need to talk to friends and not always our spouses about what was really on ourminds. We often chose to tell our inner most secrets and frustrations to our friends and omit this information when we talked with our spouses.Although this wasn't the primary reason both of these relationships ended in divorce, we think that it was one way that trust was eroded and not built in those relationships.When we got together in our relationship, we figured out that if we hoped to have a relationship built on trust and deep connection that this type of intimate sharing with others was a pattern of behavior that had to stop.If there was conflict, disagreement or challenges that came up, weagreed that we would talk to each other instead of venting our frustrations with a friend or co-worker. This was our sacred agreement with each other.We just love Bruce Springsteen's song, "If I should fall behind"because it says exactly how we have chosen to be in a relationship with each other. In the song he says, "Let's make our steps clear so the other can see."To us, this means telling the other person what we are thinking assoon as we have sorted it out ourselves. We don't feel like we have to hide or sugar-coat our truth about a situation or unload on a friend how we are truly feeling without first telling each other.This doesn't mean we never talk to friends and other family members about our thoughts or what's happening in our lives. Quite thecontrary.What we are saying is that we have agreed to tell each other first, things that are personal and feelings that come up about the otherperson. If you find that you have been complaining to other people about your partner or someone close to you and you are not telling your partner how you are feeling, stop. By talking to others first about your issues instead of the personinvolved, you will continue to erode the safety and trust in your relationship. By talking to others about your issues instead of the person your conflict is with, you could be playing the role of the victim or martyr.Believe it or not, you may actually be enjoying the sympathy and attention from other people that you are getting from complainingabout the situation with your partner. If you want to build trust and create a close, connectedrelationship, we've found that this kind of behavior has to stop. Choosing to let your partner know where you stand and what is going on inside you is not only a way to build trust but also a way to deepen your connection as well..

"Your Perfect Partner" by Mr Friends

A woman we'll call "Jane" thought she was a great "catch" and a "perfect partner" but she wondered why her relationships always seemed to fail.

Here's what she wrote to us--
"I dated men of various ages and cultures but all my relationships ended up in disaster. I constantly searched, hoping for love to come my way. Then I started reading your newsletters. I carried a lot of personal baggage from my past and set unrealistic standards and expectations for my lovers hoping they would fail because I was afraid to fail. I was afraid they would hurt me and disappoint me, so I made sure I would be in control when they did."

In this situation, Jane has an incredible opportunity in front of her. She can continue as she has been, being fearful and attracting people who will disappoint her or she can learn from what she has discovered about her patterns from the past.

It's been our experience that we attract the people into our lives who show us what we need to heal within ourselves, new possibilities for the future, and the contrast of what we want and don't want in our lives.

We take the rather contrarian view that there are no relationship mistakes or failures and only opportunities to heal, learn, grow and experience joy.

Even though "Jane" thought her relationships were failures, each one was actually another chance to become more emotionally aware of what was going on inside her, what she wanted for her life and to give her an opportunity to heal and create new ways to do it differently.

What we have found is that we keep attracting the same type of person, not just intimate partners, and experiences into our lives until we heal the past and "do it
differently."

Otto's car is a black Buick Century with leather seats. He's very hot natured and since we live in Ohio where the summers are very hot and humid, he suffers in his "hot" car. He loved the way the car looked on the showroom floor, but his day-to-day experience has given him a powerful lesson of what he doesn't want in a car. As you can imagine, he's made a clear intention through the power of contrast that his next car will not be black or have leather seats.

He had an opportunity to learn this lesson when he was 18 years old and drove a black Ford Pinto station wagon with no air-conditioning to Tampa, Florida at the beginning of August. He swore then as he sat in traffic with sweat dripping onto the steering wheel that he'd never have another black car.

Obviously, he hadn't learned this lesson so he needed to bring another black car into his experience.

The point is that Otto has finally learned from this valuable experience and will do it differently the next time, although he really likes a lot about his current car.

This story is an example of coming to an awareness of what you want and what you don't want and of learning from past experiences that are not "failures" but are opportunities for expansion and growth.

Please don't misunderstand us and think that we are recommending that because you don't like something about your current partner or job that you "throw them away" and get another "model."

What we are recommending is that you take the opportunity to become emotionally aware, like "Jane" did, as much of the time as possible. Decide that you deserve to have a great relationship and a great life, whatever that means to you.

We are inviting you to learn from the past and the power of contrast so that you can begin creating the life you want.

Here are some ideas to help you...

1. Whenever something is important to you, don't stuff it down and pretend it doesn't matter. Have the courage to share it with your partner.

2. Accept responsibility for your part in past relationships that haven't worked out the way you wanted them to work out. Look for reoccurring patterns that will show
you where you need to heal.

3. Know that there's no such thing as failure in relationships, only experiences that you may not have enjoyed.

4. Embrace the idea that no matter what has happened in your relationships up until now, the future can be different.

So in a sense, each person who comes into our lives is "the perfect partner" for us if we use these experiences that we have with them to heal, learn and grow.