Being "Real" in your Relationships

This week we joined the 20-something masses and attended a Dave Mathews Band concert. They played a song called, "Ants Marching" and we felt like the lyrics really told the story of a lot of relationships and lives.
In his song, Dave depicts the average life and the average relationship. "He wakes up in the morning, Does his teeth, Bite to eat and he's rolling. Never changes a thing. The week ends, the week begins. She thinks, we look at each other Wondering what the other is thinking But we never say a thing And these crimes between us grow deeper. Take these chances. Place them in a box until a quieter time. Lights down, you up and die."
What Dave's really saying in his blunt way is that most of us in our relationships aren't willing to speak our truth about our thoughts and we end up taking these thoughts, unspoken, to our graves.
The great motivational speaker Zig Ziglar talks about the tragedy of people going to their graves with their music still in them--not living their lives to the fullest.
If you want your relationships to be "real," alive and powerful, we suggest the concept of spiritual partnership. A spiritual partnership is not about religion--it's about two people coming together, using their relationship as a venue to heal, learn and grow.
How is a spiritual partnership different from other types of relationships?
In a spiritual partnership, (this can be any relationship) each partner is committed to telling the truth, and not holding back, however painful it might be. The relationship is alive, growing, and filled with passion because of constant communication and being willing to tackle issues as they arrive. Each partner can be himself or herself--with no hiding.
This concept was introduced to the masses by Gary Zukav's book "Seat of the Soul." We were dramatically impacted by this concept and it has changed our lives forever.
So how often are you not living your truth in relationships? What is the underlying fear that comes up for you when you think about telling your truth? We all have relationships where we don't feel safe enough to be open and honest. Those relationships are dead and aren't going anywhere.
We've found that Steven Covey's phrase, "Old resentments never die--they just get buried alive and come up later in uglier ways," is so true. Haven't you had that happen in your life? If you just bury a hurt feeling or misunderstanding, it just comes up later in another situation or with another person as misplaced anger.
So we have found that the only way to create outstanding relationships of all kinds is to have open, honest communication at all times and by doing it in such a way that the other person can hear your truth.
This is tough. But what is tougher is having a relationship that is mired in unspoken issues. Do what Susan Jeffers suggests, "Feel the fear and do it anyway." When you do, your relationships will be more real and honest.
So we challenge you this week to choose a relationship or situation that needs to be healed and tackle just one small issue that stands in the way of a more harmonious relationship.
If you do, you'll be one step closer to forming a great spiritual partnership with that other person.

Secrets to Healing after Leaving a Painful Relationship By Mr Friends

It very easy to get into a relationship. But, it's usually very difficult to get out of one that no longer serves you and begin the healing process.
It seems that everywhere you look, many long-standing relationships and /or marriages are dissolving. In this week's article we thought we'd give some suggestions to help those of you who are still going through the healing process.
My suggestions are :
1) To never look at a relationship (or anything else) that didn't work out as a failure. Robert Schuller, the famous TV evangelist and founder of the world famous Crystal Cathedral said in his book "Success is never ending Failure is never final" --"Failure doesn't mean you're finished, it does mean you have a chance." He also said, "Failure doesn't mean God has abandoned you...it does mean God has a better idea." Often it's the seed of a current or past "failure" that fuels you to the very success that you've always dreamed of.
2) Turn from the past and look toward the future...YOUR future. As Tony Robbins says "Your past does not equal your future. Sometimes after a separation, we find ourselves dwelling in the past, our thoughts consumed with that other person. You will begin to heal when you start thinking and writing about what you want for your life.
3) Know and understand that there are no "accidents" and that everything happens in divine order. Every thought, every moment, every action, every relationship and every event that happens in your life, happens to propel you toward your next phase of learning and personal growth.
4) Acknowledge, without blame, your part in the breakup of the relationship. When it doesn't work out, then two people have to share equally in the responsibility of the breakup. No matter who appears to be at fault.
5) Learn from the patterns of the past. Stay conscious in all your relationships so that you won't repeat the same mistakes.
6) Give thanks for the lessons that you learned in that relationship. Honor that person as a teacher, here to help you on your journey.

Is it Lying or Loving?

At our workshop this week, the women in the group all agreed that they grew up with the expectation that they would be "nice" and make everyone in the family feel good. They were not taught to speak their truth but rather hide what they were thinking in order to keep the peace.
Most people believe they are being loving when they withhold perceived unpleasant information from their partner, spouse or friends.
So the questions is--do you tell that other person how you feel in all situations? If you don't, is that being loving or is that lying to the other person?
Bell Hooks, in her book "All About Love," would say that it's lying. She says, "Lying has become so much the accepted norm that people lie even when it would be simpler to tell the truth." She goes on to say that "In today's world we are taught to fear the truth, to believe it always hurts."
We have found that when you tell the truth, it may hurt. But when you are completely open and honest, it is ultimately freeing for both people, giving you the opportunity to deepen your connection.
Some of you may question this--but we feel that if you are in a spiritual partnership with the intention of growing together, there simply is no other way. Bell Hooks says that "it is impossible to nurture one's own or another's spiritual growth when the core of one's being and identity is shrouded in secrecy and lies."
The lies don't even have to be that big to drive a wedge in a relationship. Just not being forthcoming with your feelings is living with a lie and will ultimately create a separation.
In last week's newsletter we quoted David Viscott-- "If we were to live honestly, our lives would heal themselves." Hard as this seems, we believe it's the only way to live. We've done it the other way and now we're trying to do it differently. Our experience tells us that when you communicate constantly openly and honesty, that's what builds safety and trust. That's what creates the real juice in any great relationship!

Awareness--feeling your feelings

Our daughter took our grandson to his friend's birthday party this weekend and was struck by the atypical conversation among the adults. They were discussing personality types and feelings--not your normal conversation at a party for 5 year olds or 55 year olds, for that matter. In our society it is rare for a group of people who don't know each other well to feel safe enough to have a discussion about feelings.
Most people go to great lengths to hide or deny their feelings about their lives, their work, their relationships and most things that matter to them.
Psychiatrist Dr. David Viscott in his tape series "Emotional Resilience" says, "If we were to live honestly, our lives would heal themselves." He explains how he helps people heal by helping them find ways to acknowledge their true feelings about past, current or future events that trouble them.
In our relationship, when we lose our connection, it is usually because we have not taken the time to become aware of what we are feeling and then communicate those feelings to each other. We get lost in the day to day "busyness" of life and don't take the time to "tune into" ourselves and each other.
It's easy to deny your feelings, bury them, and pretend they aren't there. We all see it everyday with people we work with and our friends. They are mystified as to why their relationships lack passion and aren't working when the reality is--these people aren't willing to look at the truth of their situations.
Barbara DeAngelis says that if you are repressing, you're repressing. In other words, it's impossible to repress your feelings in one area of your life and be passionate and open in other areas.
If you find that you have become distant and withdrawn--emotionally or physically from someone you love—we suggest that you do as we try to do. At the next possible moment that you realize the separation and disconnection with this person, we suggest that you talk about how you are feeling and what's going on in your relationship and your life.
Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, authors of the book "Conscious Loving," made the commitment to each other to tell each other their feelings within10 seconds of recognizing them. How very powerful this could be if all of us felt we could make this commitment in our relationships. Imagine how much closer we could feel to the people in our lives if we could make this kind of commitment.

Healing the Past. . .In the Present

Has this ever happened to you? Somebody says something to you that immediately triggers negativity within you. You don't have a clue why you are so upset and you wonder just where that feeling came from.
Tony Robbins would call this a "negative anchor"-- something that is said or something that is experienced that you associate with a previous negative event. Peter Levine refers to this as trauma being held in the body. Whatever you want to call it, the event and feelings surrounding the event, rear their ugly heads again and again until you are able to heal the original situation.
This weekend, we were with Susie's extended family of 14 people, ages 1 year to 79 years. The living room was crowded as we watched the NCAA basketball game. There wasn't a chair for Otto as he stood in the doorway watching the game. Several family members offered to make room for him but he declined. As they continued to insist that he sit down, he became agitated.
It took him a few hours but he realized that his agitation came from previous situations with his ex-wife when she would say to him, "Please sit down! You're driving me crazy!" His agitation was from the trauma of the past.
The agitation from the present situation fired off a negative anchor within him that instantly took him back to a time in a previous relationship that needed to be healed. At that moment he pulled out the baggage from his previous unhealed relationship but had the awareness to realize that his present negativity had nothing to do with the people in the room and the present moment. He was able to let those old feelings go and live in the present moment, enjoying the game and the people in the room.
This situation is what Stephen Covey talks about when he says, "Old resentments never die. They just get buried alive and come up later in uglier ways." The resentments we hold which are not resolved usually manifest themselves again in other relationships which have nothing to do with the original trauma.
We suggest that the first step in healing these past resentments is to stop yourself when you first feel it and examine where the negativity is coming from. The first step to creating any change is awareness. Go back in your mind to your previous relationships--where did this feeling come from, who was there and what was the situation? It's very important to differentiate what happened in the past from what's happening now.
Ultimately, you will want to work on forgiving that person and honoring how that experience created who you are today. Only after you are able to release the past, can you experience the emotional freedom that we all desire.

How to Re-Claim Passion in Your Life!

If you want to create more passion in your life or reclaim passion that is currently not there in your life, this article will give you some ideas.At some point in our lives we've all experienced total passion for life and living. We've all been involved in something that really got us excited and we couldn't wait to have a similar experience all over again soon.The best physical example we could give you of passion in action is to have you think of any child that you know. Chances are better than excellent that the child that you thought of is full of energy about something that they are passionate about. Our son loves Poke'mon and playing his Playstation. He enthusiastically gets up at 6:30 AM on the weekends to play a playstation game, but during the week he has to drag himself out of bed to go to school.We are no different from our son or the child that you may have thought of.Ask yourself, do you have more energy when you get up at 6AM to go to work on Monday morning or when you get up early to leave on a vacation?We've heard football announcers and commentators on TV talk about how certain players can really "get up for the big game." What they're talking about is that player rejuvenating his fire or passion for the sport he loves by "getting up" for the big game against their arch rival.There is an ease and a flow in your life when you do things that you love and when you are with people who you are passionate about.We have found the secret to increasing passion in our lives is to follow these very simple ideas.1) Find something that you can really get excited about.This can be something from your past, something you do now that you want to do more of or it can be something you've been thinking about doing.We were at a gathering yesterday and saw what it was like when someone who was deeply depressed remembered an activity that she had been passionate about in years past. She left the gathering with a renewed passion for that activity and for life, resolving to spend some time each week doing what she loved.2) Eliminate the things in your life that you aren't passionate about.We're not saying that you have to quit your job or leave a partner when the passion has left. But, it is important to eliminate as many things as possible in your life that don't bring you passion and joy.In Susie's current job she used to find herself traveling all over the country, attending meetings and getting involved in association activities and events. When it ceased to be a passion for her, she decided to start eliminating those things that she no longer wanted to do.Now we know that it's not always possible to eliminate all the unpleasant things you have to do. But, it's usually possible to think of new ways of doing those things which may bring some passion back to your work experience. The same thing could work in your personal life and relationships. If you're not excited about your life, find something to get excited about. If you're not excited about your relationships, find something about your relationships to get excited about.3) Focus on the good and the positive aspects of your mate, your job and your life instead of focusing on the negative qualities.What we do is focus on the good qualities about each other instead of spending a time dwelling on the negative. After we resolve conflicts with each other, we do not rehash them with friends. In our minds, we go back to the qualities we love about the other. This way we are more likely to attract more of what we want into our lives instead of what we don't want.Susie was able to rekindle the passion for her work and work environment by focusing her thoughts each morning during her hourlong commute. She imagined the things she appreciated about each of her co-workers and focused on the activities that brought her joy during the day. This changed the atmosphere of her work environment and this positive attitude has even spread to the other employees.So if passion is missing in your life try at least one of our suggestions and we think you'll see a difference.

What's Most Important to You?

One of the biggest issues that people ask us about and we experience ourselves is how to find the time for our families, our jobs, our community and our partner. How can we do it all? We are pulled in so many different directions!
The short answer is to determine what the "First things" are in your life and live your life according to what you have predetermined as the most important things in your life. In Stephen Covey's book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People," Habit 3 is "Put First Things First" and we have found that this is key to living our lives the way we want.
The first step to living our lives the way we want them is to consciously determine what is most important in all areas of your life. After determining what you value most, compare these values with how you actually spend your time.
Brian Tracy says, "It's not what you say or what you intend to do but what you actually do reveals what's most important to you."
We fill our lives with so many activities and often place our priorities in alignment with what's not very important to us. As Mona Lisa Schulz says in her book, "Awakening Intuition," "You can't have it all. You have to choose."
We think this can be a glorious, freeing experience but can also be a scary, unfamiliar place to venture. The challenge is to choose what you do and how you live-- consciously.
We've found that your values can change and that's why constant communication is so important. Earlier in Susie's life, she placed a higher value on her job and community activities than she does now. She spent more time on those activities away from home and invested more energy in cultivating relationships with many different people. Now, she is spending more time with family and her partner Otto.
Before we got together, we consciously determined what we wanted from our relationship--what we valued. Our values have been clear and we have tried to live and spend our time according to them.
We're not saying that everyone should adopt our values but we are saying that it is important for you to determine what your values are and to understand the most important things in your partner's life from his/her frame of reference.
We suggest that you have a family discussion about what each person values. You'll find that understanding will be fostered and resolving conflicts will be easier in the future.
A great way to determine what's most important to you in your life is to make a list from the answers to the following questions--(we're sure you can make up more)
"What's most important to me in my relationship with my partner/spouse"?
"What's most important to me in my career"?
"What's most important to me in my relationship with my kids"?
"What's most important to me in my spiritual practice"?
You get the idea--Take a few minutes this week and consciously decide what's most important in your life and your relationships. Set a family meeting and ask your family members to do the same.
As Stephen Covey says, "Things which matter most should never be at the mercy of things which matter least." Make sure you know what things matter most to you.

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