Being "Real" in your Relationships

This week we joined the 20-something masses and attended a Dave Mathews Band concert. They played a song called, "Ants Marching" and we felt like the lyrics really told the story of a lot of relationships and lives.
In his song, Dave depicts the average life and the average relationship. "He wakes up in the morning, Does his teeth, Bite to eat and he's rolling. Never changes a thing. The week ends, the week begins. She thinks, we look at each other Wondering what the other is thinking But we never say a thing And these crimes between us grow deeper. Take these chances. Place them in a box until a quieter time. Lights down, you up and die."
What Dave's really saying in his blunt way is that most of us in our relationships aren't willing to speak our truth about our thoughts and we end up taking these thoughts, unspoken, to our graves.
The great motivational speaker Zig Ziglar talks about the tragedy of people going to their graves with their music still in them--not living their lives to the fullest.
If you want your relationships to be "real," alive and powerful, we suggest the concept of spiritual partnership. A spiritual partnership is not about religion--it's about two people coming together, using their relationship as a venue to heal, learn and grow.
How is a spiritual partnership different from other types of relationships?
In a spiritual partnership, (this can be any relationship) each partner is committed to telling the truth, and not holding back, however painful it might be. The relationship is alive, growing, and filled with passion because of constant communication and being willing to tackle issues as they arrive. Each partner can be himself or herself--with no hiding.
This concept was introduced to the masses by Gary Zukav's book "Seat of the Soul." We were dramatically impacted by this concept and it has changed our lives forever.
So how often are you not living your truth in relationships? What is the underlying fear that comes up for you when you think about telling your truth? We all have relationships where we don't feel safe enough to be open and honest. Those relationships are dead and aren't going anywhere.
We've found that Steven Covey's phrase, "Old resentments never die--they just get buried alive and come up later in uglier ways," is so true. Haven't you had that happen in your life? If you just bury a hurt feeling or misunderstanding, it just comes up later in another situation or with another person as misplaced anger.
So we have found that the only way to create outstanding relationships of all kinds is to have open, honest communication at all times and by doing it in such a way that the other person can hear your truth.
This is tough. But what is tougher is having a relationship that is mired in unspoken issues. Do what Susan Jeffers suggests, "Feel the fear and do it anyway." When you do, your relationships will be more real and honest.
So we challenge you this week to choose a relationship or situation that needs to be healed and tackle just one small issue that stands in the way of a more harmonious relationship.
If you do, you'll be one step closer to forming a great spiritual partnership with that other person.

Awareness--feeling your feelings

Our daughter took our grandson to his friend's birthday party this weekend and was struck by the atypical conversation among the adults. They were discussing personality types and feelings--not your normal conversation at a party for 5 year olds or 55 year olds, for that matter. In our society it is rare for a group of people who don't know each other well to feel safe enough to have a discussion about feelings.
Most people go to great lengths to hide or deny their feelings about their lives, their work, their relationships and most things that matter to them.
Psychiatrist Dr. David Viscott in his tape series "Emotional Resilience" says, "If we were to live honestly, our lives would heal themselves." He explains how he helps people heal by helping them find ways to acknowledge their true feelings about past, current or future events that trouble them.
In our relationship, when we lose our connection, it is usually because we have not taken the time to become aware of what we are feeling and then communicate those feelings to each other. We get lost in the day to day "busyness" of life and don't take the time to "tune into" ourselves and each other.
It's easy to deny your feelings, bury them, and pretend they aren't there. We all see it everyday with people we work with and our friends. They are mystified as to why their relationships lack passion and aren't working when the reality is--these people aren't willing to look at the truth of their situations.
Barbara DeAngelis says that if you are repressing, you're repressing. In other words, it's impossible to repress your feelings in one area of your life and be passionate and open in other areas.
If you find that you have become distant and withdrawn--emotionally or physically from someone you love—we suggest that you do as we try to do. At the next possible moment that you realize the separation and disconnection with this person, we suggest that you talk about how you are feeling and what's going on in your relationship and your life.
Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, authors of the book "Conscious Loving," made the commitment to each other to tell each other their feelings within10 seconds of recognizing them. How very powerful this could be if all of us felt we could make this commitment in our relationships. Imagine how much closer we could feel to the people in our lives if we could make this kind of commitment.